For some time we’ve been hearing about strange odors detected around the physical presence of Donald J. Trump. The most popular opinion held it was the fetid smell of Trump’s diapers signaling a need to be changed.
Other voices suggest it wasn’t actually Trump’s personal odor but the lingering foulness of Melania Trump’s Slovenian cooking, most especially her signature dish of tortured lamb stew.
Whatever the source of Donald Trump’s unpleasant emissions, they will not stand up to the fierce pungency of four new fragrances introduced this week to the Donald J. Trump Fragrance Collection. Plus, each of these signature TRUMP fragrances will help fashion a new you as you help enrich already wealthy people and dismantle America’s safety net for the disadvantaged.
Here are the four fragrances as described in the TRUMP sales literature.
GREED.
One swift spray of GREED will unlock your innermost possessive demons. No longer will you envy billionaire titans of industry whose own GREED has caused immeasurable suffering and privation among those unlucky enough to be needful in America. Even if you previously endeavored to help the downtrodden, the sick and the poor, GREED is guaranteed to immediately harden your heart and elevate the importance of your bank account over all else, including those misguided quotes from the Bible. WARNING: One spray of GREED should be sufficient to alter your attitudes and behavior. You may wish to speak to a priest if you plan to apply more.
CRUELTY.
A derivative of GREED, the lightest application of CRUELTY will sharpen your appetite for vindictive and abhorrent behavior, and totally dismantle the workings of your conscience, including any nagging regrets or humane leanings you may still hold or unhappily experience. CRUELTY is most effective when sprayed generously after an application of GREED.
DISHONESTY.
Meant to be applied in MEGA doses on an hourly basis, DISHONESTY is the fragrance that drives your enemies crazy. Apply when needed to explain the dumbest ideas, or to justify the worst behavior and intentions, DISHONESTY smells like shit, and can often be confused with STUPIDITY, our fourth newly introduced Donald J. Trump Fragrance.
STUPIDITY.
Engineered in our Trump fragrance Laboratories to Donald J. Trump’s stringent specifications, STUPIDITY is meant to be sprayed in large doses over vast segments of the American population, as well as tightly focused sub-groups such as Republican Congressmen, Fox News commentators, and the right-leaning wing of the United States Supreme Court. STUPIDITY has proven remarkably effective in convincing Trump supporters of the efficacy and desirability of a border wall along the Mexican border. A wall that will ultimately cost many billions of taxpayer dollars. Used in conjunction with DISHONESTY, STUPIDITY can change the course of history.
Or put a felon in the White House.