Author Archives: Paul Steven Stone

Cambridge Changes Name to “Expect Delays!”

delays 3Expect Delays!, MA (formerly Cambridge, MA): In a surprise move for which there is no historical precedent, and therefore no protocol for approval of such a measure, the Cambridge City Council voted in executive session to change the city’s name from Cambridge to Expect Delays! The vote was approved overwhelmingly in a conference call attended by all nine councilors. The unusual telephonic executive session was held because seven of the council’s nine sitting members had been tied up in traffic on city streets, four of them literally for days.

“I think I was hypnotized,” City Councilor Minka vanBeuzekom said, explaining why she proposed the name change. “I was sitting in my car on Western Avenue for three days stuck in traffic and staring at an electronic sign that kept flashing Construction Ahead followed by Expect Delays!”

Other members of the City Council were stuck on other roadways staring at signs that also warned Expect Delays! and apparently lashed out in anger and frustration.

Craig Kelley, the only council member who rides a bicycle to council meetings, was also the only dissenting vote. “Don’t get me wrong,” he explained, “I believe Expect Delays! is a suitable name for a highly congested city that’s about to approve widescale upzoning that will bring in thousands of additional cars and commuter trips. I just need more time to think about it.”

Two other unusual council votes were recorded in the unprecedented executive session: first, that a new city hall would be built and quartered in the Alewife section of the city, in keeping with the attitude of acceptance and surrender so neatly embodied in the name Expect Delays! And, in a surprise informal vote, councilors indicated that Susan Clippinger, longtime director of the city’s Traffic, Parking and Transportation Department, should be appointed City Manager once the current city manager’s contract runs out, or once she is able to reach Alewife by car, whichever comes first. None of the councilors would comment whether this was a reward or punishment for services rendered.

New road signs welcoming travelers to Expect Delays! were ordered for all major thoroughfares entering the city. Unfortunately they are being delivered by truck so no one can estimate how soon they’ll arrive.

Assuming they ever get here.

Declaration of Interdependence 2013

WE THE PEOPLE of the free and independent United States hereby declare our flaginterconnectedness and responsibility for one another. Originally formed as a political unit to throw off the cruelties of a despotic ruler, we re-commit ourselves to those principles which set us apart from nations whose inhumanity and enrichment of their ruling classes have inflicted undue and grievous harm upon their general populations.

In light of recent activities and political maneuverings by the powerful and wealthy classes of our society, we feel the need to once again state those values we believe are embodied or implied in both our nation’s Constitution and Declaration of Independence, namely that…

• All citizens are entitled to unhindered access to those essentials necessary in a civilized society to foster Life, Liberty and the Pursuit of Happiness, including (but not limited to) a healthy diet, safe and affordable housing, an advanced education, an unbiased political system, freedom from fear or repression, and a government committed as an overriding philosophy to the avoidance of war and the pursuit of peace.

• To secure such essentials, it is necessary to immediately develop and institute such rules of behavior and jurisprudence that acknowledge and reestablish the equality of all individuals in our society; those actions to include…

-Removing the power and influence of money from all democratic institutions and political activities; understanding that, far from engendering free speech, the unfettered flow of money allows moneyed interests to drown out the voices of those with lesser wealth or influence;

– Restoring a fair and equitable tax system which recognizes that all individuals benefit equally from systems, protections and services provided by our national and local governments, and that more should be expected from those who have a preponderance of our nation’s wealth, while less should be taken from those who have little enough for themselves;

– Restoring equal justice and punishment to those at all levels of our society, so that those who caused economic chaos and destruction in pursuit of their own selfish outcomes, as well as those who unleashed the dogs of war for no good cause, and those who authorized or committed acts of torture, are given a fair and impartial trial before the eyes of the world, as a lesson to others and a clear indicator of our commitment to the rule of law, even for the most powerful among us;

– Gradually reducing the country’s dependence on— and thrall to—the military industrial complex. Recognizing that, as we’ve recently seen, weak-minded or short-sighted leaders can make military decisions that result in unnecessary death, destruction and the wasteful expenditure of national wealth. Also recognizing that the maintenance of a large global military footprint not only increases the likelihood of a country being drawn into war, but significantly reduces those assets available for keeping commitments to its citizens at all levels of the socio-economic ladder.

–And recommitting ourselves to acting with honor, humanity and justice towards other nations, especially towards non-combatants caught up in a war zone through no fault of their own.

We offer the above Declaration of Interdependence as a road map for our country to begin returning to its rightful path, to once again become a beacon on a hill to other nations, a paragon of virtue among world powers, driven equally by principle and compassion, and undeterred in our purpose by public debate fueled by blind self-interest and self-righteous bravado.

So offered for consideration as we approach the Fourth of July, 2013.

MY SPY: A Modern American Love Story

spy“I fell in love, it’s as simple as that.

“You get that, I’m in love?

“Though I’m also at my wit’s end. You see I’m in love with a woman I’ve never seen. And though she hasn’t said it in so many words, I know she loves me too.

“How we met is a curious story. Very relevant to this discussion, especially with all the questions you’ve been asking. The story goes back to about three months ago when I started noticing this soft little ‘click!’ at the end of my phone calls, as if a third party was also hanging up.

“I’m not a brave person, but one day I just decided to speak to whomever was listening. I was coming up from a long telephone strategy session with my tax accountant.

““Hey, you! You who’s listening in?” I called in my most friendly voice. “Do you think I’ll get caught? You guys must work with the IRS. Tell me what you think.”

“I listened; heard only an electronic silence.

““C’mon, tell me. Should I, or should I not, declare last year’s Caribbean vacation as a business expense? And my wife’s funeral expenses, too? Roger, my accountant, thinks no. What do you think?”

“After a long pause, a soft voice answered back, “Please don’t talk to me, sir. I’m not supposed to have contact with my subjects.”

““Is that what I am?” I cried in mock hurt and outrage. “Only a subject? Have I not eyes to cry? Have I not blood to bleed? Have I not a heart to break? I only want the benefit of your opinion, dear lady; you, who overhear the deepest thoughts shared with my closest friends.”

““With friends like that, sir, a person doesn’t need enemies,” she said drily.

““What’s that supposed to mean?”

““Take that accountant of yours—Roger? He’s a friend of yours, right?”

““One of the best. He sponsored me for the Masons.”

““If I remember clearly, you used go to your Mason meetings on Thursday nights? Up until your wife died?”

““Yes, so?”

““The same night of the week, I believe, that Roger the accountant repeatedly bumped into your wife, so to speak, on a weekly basis at the Low Life Motel on Rte. 13, sir!”

““She never mentioned that to me,” I murmured in mild dissent.

““I’m sure she meant to,” my eavesdropper drily replied.”

““Do you ever go out on dates?” I suddenly asked.

““Sir, I refer you to Article 14 of the Patriot Act. Not only can I not date you, but I’m almost certain this conversation is being monitored and recorded. Maybe by two people, if they have the budget.”

““Anyone ever point out you have a lovely voice?” I asked with a smile so bright she must have seen it through the phone. Then I carelessly added, “Reminds me of my dead wife.” A line so powerful I knew it would break down her resistance.

“Silence again.

““Are you there?” I asked into the silence.

“Finally she answered, her voice still a bit uncertain, “Your dead wife had a hacker’s cough and a gravelly voice. I know because, as you might have guessed from earlier remarks, I eavesdropped on her for the last two years of her life. Her voice was nothing like mine, sir” my eavesdropper insisted. “Speaking of that, though—your voice does sound a lot like my dead husband’s.”

“I replied, “Hmm, is that so?” and somehow felt magnetically drawn to her.

“Well, that was our first ‘meeting’, if you can call it that. We took to conversing on a regular basis at the end of most of my phone calls. Never violating the letter of Article 14, but perhaps the spirit. We were in love, it’s as simple as that.

“I asked if she was also following me through my emails, but apparently you folks break the work up amongst four or five agents. She said I only got her because…

““What? I told you I’m not allowed to say her name. Thought you’d catch me out and add that to my list of crimes, didn’t you? She said she was exclusively assigned to eavesdrop my phone because she had traded off her other eavesdropping assignments to work exclusively on my tap; that’s how much she loved me.

“Tell you about my terrorism cell? The men’s group? Are you serious?

“Man, that’s not real. She only reported me and the men’s group because she needed one more score to make her quota. Honestly, that’s what she said, then she asked if I’d mind helping her reach quota. It sounded like a simple request. So I told her she could list my Temple Beth Shalom Men’s Group as a hotbed of Muslim extremist cells. She said I had nothing to worry about. That the idea was so wacky the U.S. government would never believe it.

“But you’re here to tell me the U.S. government does believe it, is that right?

“And that’s why I’m tied to this chair?”

All We Are Saying: GIVE CAMBRIDGE A CHANCE!

protest

(Sung to the Tune “Give Peace A Chance)

Ev’rybody’s talkin’ ’bout

F.A.R.’S, lots of cars, noisy bars, packed subway cars

Me-ism, my-ism, finger-in-your-eye-ism

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

 

Ev’rybody’s talkin’ ’bout

City towers, commutes for hours, fewer flowers,

Millionaires, couldn’t-cares, worst-fears

My tears, your tears

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

 

Ev’rybody’s talkin’ ’bout

Greedy petitions, gentrified visions,

Politicians, mass evictions, sell your convictions

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

 

Ev’rybody’s talkin’ ’bout

Goody-Clancy, councilors antsy

Zoning giveaways, gridlocked roadways

Poor folks, go away!

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

 

Ev’rybody’s talkin’ ’bout

Better Cambridge, bigger buildings, lower taxes

Bigger messes, taking guesses, smokey air, no families here

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

All we are saying—give Cambridge a chance

 

For more information about what is going on with development in our city, about major proposed changes that could impact all our lives and the quality of those lives, go to CambridgeResidentsAlliance.org. Tell them John Lennon sent you.

SUGAR-COATED GENTRIFICATION

Could This Be The End Of Cambridge As We Know It?

Let’s think of them as “misguided.”

If people’s assertions are to be believed—and I’d love to be able to believe our city counselors, city planners and administrators, and even our Central Square Advisory Committee—then all these august civic entities and players are acting exactly opposite to their stated intentions.urban

I’m talking about their oft-stated intention to help preserve and protect Cambridge’s diversity, our unique blending of diverse elements—the middle class and the poor, families, students and singles, all manner of races, ethnicities and age groups—that creates a rich tapestry of community influences and textures.

So why are these well-intentioned parties guilty of being misguided?

Truth is they’ve been unwitting, yet highly willing, accomplices to Cambridge’s homegrown form of gentrification. I call it “Sugar-Coated Gentrification” because the sugar-coating of a small percentage of inclusionary-zoning units, sprinkled very lightly over each development, has become the going price developers pay to build housing for highly paid executives, engineers and technicians. The same executives, engineers and technicians who will easily outbid middle class families and poor people for the city’s available housing stock.

Who are they kidding, if not themselves? This small set-aside of units, usually 11.5%, will never come close to offsetting the loss of middle-class families and economically-disadvantaged residents. We can reasonably argue about the value of inclusionary zoning, but there’s no arguing away the impact of gentrification. We all know the story; we’ve seen it in dozens of cities and hundreds of neighborhoods.

If we can agree that a flood of market-rate housing exerts upward pressures on the price of housing, and the result is a citywide purging of the least-advantaged and most vulnerable members of our community, then we should be able to see the danger inherent when inclusionary housing serves as a gateway to massive development and up-zoning giveaways.

The City Council is currently considering the fact that 11.5% may not be enough to meaningfully impact the city’s loss of affordable housing. The council got away with demanding 18% from MIT for that non-profit’s massive zoning giveaway. So, naturally, they’re considering raising the percentage to 18%, as if that number were the answer to their vague feelings of concern and insufficiency in this matter.

So, in its clumsy accidental way, the City Council has aimed the light in the right direction. They’ve shown the question isn’t whether gentrification will have a negative impact, the question is how negative will it be. Or, as the City Council seems to be asking, “What percentage of inclusionary units will make up for all Cambridge residents ultimately forced out by gentrification?”

But, sorry folks, that’s obviously wrong-headed and counter-productive!

Nobody voted for the city council so they could represent the interests of future Cambridge residents against that of its current residents.

Nor does anyone want the city council to focus on the wellbeing of developers and real estate firms at the expense of those same vulnerable residents.

Speaking of misguided focus, nobody pays the City Manager or his deputies to foster zoning changes that would alter, perhaps harm, the character and rhythm of vibrant yet vulnerable neighborhoods.

And nobody in our city wants to force out current residents to make room for future residents?

If we want to create more affordable housing—and I mean housing less than the $2,400 a month currently deemed affordable for a single bedroom in University Park—we should build it ourselves. Yes, even with all the discouraging funding news coming out of Washington!

We should take that $14 million bribe paid by MIT, and whatever we’ve socked away in the affordable housing trust, and put it to good use, building real, honest affordable housing. There are any number of ways we could fund such housing, if we chose to do it on a small scale. 20 units here, 20 units there; something like that. There’s no need to bring in 16- or 18-story towers to achieve the same results.

It’s time we stopped sugar-coating what are basically acts of self-destructive gentrification.

It’s time we realized inclusionary housing isn’t a solution but a Trojan horse by which developers will undermine the foundation of our community.

It’s also time the City Council called for a Master Plan for all of us in Cambridge to review and discuss.

A plan that takes into account all the impacts from 18+ million square feet of anticipated development over the next 20 years.

A plan that maps out how we’ll approach traffic in the city, which will become even worse and more gridlocked with the addition of 50,000+ car trips a day on our city’s roadways.

A plan that maps out the city’s future.

Better yet, a plan that gives the city a future.