Expect Delays!, MA (formerly Cambridge, MA): In a surprise move, once again agreed upon in Remote Executive Session (as most of the City Council was stuck in traffic), a majority of City Councillors voted to change the city’s name for a second time in as many months.

A leisurely commute to work in a future Cambridge.

As you may recall, the city only recently changed its name to “Expect Delays!” to reflect the almost epic traffic jams and massive tie-ups encountered daily by city residents on area roadways and Red Line trains. When faced with the question of what to do about this seemingly unsolvable transportation crisis, the city council took two major steps: first they decided to act as if the problem didn’t exist, immediately approving two major up-zoning petitions that would bring thousands more commuters and car trips into the city, and second, they voted to rename the city “Expect Delays” in order to deflate any possible public outcry about the traffic mess.

“How can you complain about traffic in a city named Expect Delays!” longtime Councillor Ken Reeves asked when the issue was first raised. “There’s also the potential savings in signage to consider,” Councillor Timothy Toomey pointed out, “Heck, there’s an “Expect Delays!” sign on just about every major thoroughfare in the city. All we have to do is add the words “Welcome To” on each sign facing inbound drivers.”

And so acting thusly, all was once again harmony in our city—now named Expect Delays!—and on our city council. Until recently that is, when a band of tree-hugging, ice-cap lamenting troublemakers demanded the city respond to global warming by decreeing all major new construction conform to Net Zero Emissions standards.

Those same troublemakers pointed out the city is predicted to be 50% under water within 50 years, in cases of 10-year and 100-year storms. In fact, major landowner MIT, recently granted a zoning-busting 26-acre Planned Urban Development district, would be transformed into a water theme park with merely a two to three foot rise in the sea level.

If your home is in the dark purple—it ain’t good!

(Check out the map above to see if your house or business will be above or below the high water line.)

After much acrimonious debate that saw pro-development interests predict wide-scale economic catastrophe, threatening an end to the era of no-holds-barred development and thus to developer handouts to the city and its politicians, the City Council voted to act decisively. They immediately voted to change the city’s name once again, this time to “Lake Cambridge”, and instructed the City Manager to buy thousands of kayaks and canoes to ensure future traffic patterns would once again flow smoothly.