Category Archives: Mitt Romney

Mitt Romney To Run Again For President—This Time As Democrat!

Washington, D.C. Who said America’s favorite BFF (Billionaire flip-flopper) was washed up; through with politics?

Mitt laughingly explains his latest political stance.

Mitt laughingly explains his latest political stance.

Having resolutely declared his exodus from American politics (“No, no, no, no, no, no…!”), Mitt Romney appeared to once again dip his toe in Republican Presidential waters. Ultimately finding the temperature too cold, especially with Jeb Bush putting a lip-lock on the party’s biggest donors, The Mittster yet again shocked the political world by declaring his candidacy for the Democratic nomination for President of the United States.

“Yes, you heard that correctly,” Romney declared while the crowd of reporters erupted into an unruly chorus of shouted questions. “The Democratic nomination!” he repeated, with a deep-throated hyena laugh, then turned to his wife Anne for reassurance that this was, in fact, today’s political stance.

This was a morning few political junkies will ever forget, Mitt Romney stepping out of the closet and declaring himself a “full-blooded and full-throated Democrat.” No sooner had he pulled his hat out of the ring in the Republican race for the presidency, than he was signing up to challenge Hillary Clinton for the nomination of his newly-adopted political party.

“I’ve always been more progressive and more of a Democrat than Hillary,” Romney declared. “Heck, I was more progressive than President Obama, for Heaven’s sakes! Remember, RomneyCare came first, ObamaCare came second.”

Romney went on to explain, “I’ve always been a Democrat at heart, no matter what I may have said at stuffy Republican fundraisers. We Democrats take care of the poor and the middle class. And the seniors! Don’t forget the seniors! As a Democratic President, I won’t let Republicans cut or kill Social Security, that was all Paul Ryan’s agenda, not mine. On my watch, nobody falls between the cracks. Gosh, first thing I’ll propose as president is an increase in taxes for the wealthy. Who knows better than me, how much more the 1% can afford to pay. You’d be shocked how much money’s left sitting on the table.

When asked how he could just walk away from conservative positions he’s been avowing for years, Romney smiled sheepishly, asking “Why not, they were pretty stupid positions, weren’t they? All the time I was pretending to hate poor people, threatening to nuke the Middle East, and working to demolish the middle class, I was really chafing at the bit to declare my love for my fellow man.  When I promised to dismantle Obamacare on my first day as President I was not in my right mind, sharing a stage at the time with Rick Perry, John McCain and Sarah Palin. Besides that’s old business. This is the new Romney. And this Romney can’t wait to debate Hillary Clinton, Joe Biden and others of my fellow Democrats.”

When reporters questioned more recent Romney comments condemning President Obama’s performance, the former Massachusetts governor appeared rattled. “Well, what would you expect?” he shot back, “The man took four whole years to turn around an economy that was sacked, gang-banged and left for dead by the Bush administration. What the hell was he doing all that time, playing basketball? Nor does it matter that he rescued the American automobile industry. Anybody in his place would have done the same thing. Hell, if you thought I was heartless in strapping old Seamus to the top of our family wagon, how does that compare to Obama walking away from Health Care Reform without putting a public option in place? Everyone knows the insurance industry will make hash of any real financial reforms without the presence of a public option.”

Speaking about the danger of once again being called a flip-flopper for jumping political parties, especially at a time when Jeb Bush’s fortunes were rapidly rising in his former party, Romney declared, “What if I promise voters this is the last time? Today—and forever—Mitt Romney truly believes women have a right to make decisions about their bodies. That humans are the cause of Global Warming. That Darwin was a scientist and not the anti-Christ. Yes, and the new Mitt Romney believes America lost its way when we attacked Iraq without a clear reason, or when we tortured prisoners and called it ‘enhanced interrogation.

“And lastly,” Romney continued with a sheepish grin, “I have to admit that corporations really aren’t…well, you know…people. Definitely not people! That sounded so lame not even Fox News reporters could repeat it without breaking into laughter.

“So in summation,” Romney concluded, “I hope Democratic primary voters will forgive my shifting affiliations and contradictory positions. As Emerson once said, ‘A foolish consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds.’ And, please, remember, I may have dated Conservatives and Tea Partiers, but I never actually slept with them.”

“No, no, no, no, no, no…!”

 

——————————–

I hope my readers and, of course, Mitt Romney himself will forgive me if once again I return to the bottomless well of Mitt’s presidential ambitions to fish out an easy laugh or two. In all honesty, I felt the need to hear the sound of laughter instead of snow plows and apparently did not have enough character or willpower to resist.

ROMNEY TAKES HOSTAGE IN BID TO GRAB NOMINATION


Call it bravado, an innovative political maneuver, or an outright felony, but whatever you call it, Mitt Romney has taken a decisive step towards grabbing the Republican nomination for president.

“It all happened so suddenly,” cried Marie Fayreweather in describing the former Massachusetts Governor’s dramatic hostage-taking of her 6-month-old son, Bailey. “One moment I told Mr. Romney that as much as I admired his good looks and vast riches, I still intended to vote for Rick Santorum, the next moment he cried, ‘Not on my watch you won’t!’ and grabbed my little Bailey.

“Wait a second,” I pleaded, “Bailey is too young to vote, and besides I’m afraid he wouldn’t like traveling on top of your family station wagon.”

“Never fear,” Mitt rattled back, “Seamus never shares his dog carrier with anyone. And besides, if you won’t vote for me I’ll hold onto Bailey until he’s old enough to vote for me himself.”

Romney’s campaign later issued a statement denying that the candidate had wrested the child from his unwilling mother, but that Bailey had clearly indicated a preference for the moderate-but-severely-conservative Republican candidate. And that Mr. Romney intended to hold onto the ‘little tykester’ as he’s already called until Romney wins the Illinois Republican primary or the hunting season begins, whichever comes first.

Romney, as he’s often stated, is a gun-loving member of the NRA who has killed so many rabbits that the town of Belmont, where the governor once lived, had to restock the town forest on a yearly basis.

The Romney campaign’s newest political slogan, “Vote Romney if you ever want to see Bailey in daycare again!” is already picking up momentum and voter support. Without a doubt, a majority of undecided Republican voters find it more convincing than Romney’s earlier tagline, “I made $250 million off the sweat of others, imagine what I can do for our country.”

It’s too early to tell what long-range effects the hostage-taking might have on the primary or, eventually, the general election, but political pundits have already begun talking up Bailey as a possible Vice Presidential candidate.

So far there’s been no comment from Bailey, who hasn’t yet learned to speak.

Mitt Romney Jumps Parties, Says “I was always a Democrat at heart”


Columbia, S.C.—After weeks of being pummeled and ridiculed in Republican primary contests for being a closet moderate, Mitt Romney stepped out of the closet today and declared himself a “full-blooded and full-throated Democrat”, pulling his hat out of the ring in the remainder of the Republican Presidential Primaries and signing up instead to challenge President Barack Obama for the nomination of his newly-adopted political party.

“I’ve always been more progressive and more of a Democrat than President Obama,” Romney declared. “Remember, first came RomneyCare, second came ObamaCare. As Democrats, we take care of the poor and the middle class. Nobody will fall between the cracks on my watch. Hell, the first thing I’ll propose once I win the nomination is an increase in taxes for the wealthy. Who knows better than me, how much more the 1% can afford to pay in taxes. President Obama doesn’t have enough money to get invited to our 1% secret society meetings. If he did, he’d most likely get mistaken for one of the help.”

When asked how he could justify walking away from the conservative posture he’s been avowing and defending for months on end, he smiled and answered, “Fooled you, didn’t I? All that time I was pretending to hate poor people, and attempting to demolish the middle class, I was really chafing at the bit to declare my love for my fellow man. Now I can’t wait to get down to Florida and debate President Obama. After allowing Tea Party madmen and millionaire shills to push him around like a 97 pound weakling, the President has a lot to answer for. How dare he take four years to turn around an economy that was gang-banged, sacked and left for dead by the Bush administration? How dare he allow the Republicans to front for billionaires and pretend to care about the working class in our country? How dare he rescue the American automobile industry and leave Lehman Brothers to twist in the wind? Hell, if you thought I was heartless strapping old Seamus to the top of our family wagon, how does that compare to Obama walking away from Health Care Reform without a public option in place? Everyone knows the insurance industry will make hash of any real financial reforms without the presence of a public option.

Speaking about the danger of being called a flip-flopper for jumping parties, Romney declared, “What if I tell the voters this is it, my final stand? Today—and forever—I believe women have a right to make decisions about their bodies. I believe life begins somewhere between 3-6 months after conception. I believe America lost its way when we attacked Iraq without clear reason, or when we tortured our prisoners and called it ‘enhanced interrogation.’ And now I truly believe that corporations are, well, corporations. Definitely not people. That sounded so lame when I said it not even conservative commentators could repeat it without smiling.”

“So in summation,” Romney concluded, “I hope Democratic primary voters will forgive my previous lies and obfuscation. I may have dated the conservatives and Tea Partiers, but I can honestly say I never slept with any of them.”

PINK SLIP FOR MITT’s MUTT


(Recently unearthed from a “Lost Luggage” travel trunk abandoned in a train station in Salt Lake City, Utah)

Dear Seamus:

Boy, we sure did enjoy having you as a member of our family all those years. I would have to say you handsomely returned on our initial $150 investment. I think I speak for the entire family when I say, “Thank you” from the bottom of our hearts.

Now, dear Seamus, we come to the most difficult task of all, firing you—for disloyalty and for, most especially, leading the press off-message on my campaign. This firing is effective as of noon yesterday, when you were sold, at an acceptable profit, to Pastor Malcolm Thomas.

Why did you do it, Seamus? Did I deserve to be made a laughing stock? Just because I tied you to the top of the family wagon, where after a few hundred miles you irresponsibly soiled yourself and most of the car’s rear window? I can forgive a little incontinence, Seamus, but not when it stains my national persona.

And so we come to the parting of the ways. You for Pastor Thomas, me for Washington, D.C. I trust you will find your new position to your liking. And that you’ll always think fondly of the Romneys when you think of us.

In your honor, and to celebrate all the great years with you in our family, Ann and I plan to sing “God Bless America” tonight. Or “America The Beautiful”, if the mood strikes us.

Sincerely,

MITT

Willard Mitt Romney
Master/Former Master

AH MITTY, WE HARDLY KNEW YOU!


Dear Mitty:

I hope you don’t mind my calling you Mitty? ‘Mitt’ sounds so stiff, so formal, just like the blood-sucking billionaire we used to read about. The venture capitalist vampire who sucked dry the lifeblood of a hundred soon-to-die companies.

So, allow me to call you Mitty. If only because we slept together all those years.

Hey, It’s not easy to woo and screw an entire state, but you made it look like child’s play. Swooping down on us. Climbing in our window. A lover who came in the dark and left before dawn. We can still feel the lingering kisses, Mitty, and recall the eager, sophomoric foreplay of your 1994 senatorial campaign, not to mention the SLAM-BAM-THANK YOU M’AM screw job you gave us before you left. Many of us recall that fourth year of your ONE-AND-ONLY term as governor, when you couldn’t find the interest to spend even half your days in the state. It was tough living with someone who was never around, Mitty. Clearly your love—if love it was—had fled somewhere else.

Though your marriage was consummated in Massachusetts your heart was now committed to Washington, D.C.

And what about when you testified about Massachusetts’ liberals down in Washington, Mitty? These days, you castigate Obama for apologizing for America. You were still our governor and you were dissing us to a panel of senators as if Massachusetts and its citizens were some objectionable lab-bred culture.

Hey Mitty, it’s not easy shifting your shape from a moderate’s to a conservative! The things you have to do, right?

And so you left us; leaving your job as our top officeholder unfinished. How many people can govern a state for three years and finish their mission, Mitty? There was so much you still could have done. You had already developed strong relationships with the legislature, knew how to get things done. But you heard another voice calling. Once again, desire was rising. Here within reach was another object of affection to woo and screw. A new siren’s call to chase after.

I guess we should feel proud you left us for a bigger state. But not just any state, Mitty, or one state, but the entire United States of America! And if you don’t win them through election, whose to say you can’t buy them later?

Well, anyway, let me end this before I start to sound bitter. Don’t want you thinking your abrupt rejection has left us sad or bitter. Other states might feel exploited or cheapened by your quick, loveless encounter, like a prostitute who feels undeserving of a goodbye kiss. But we always secretly knew you would love us and leave us.

No hard feelings, Mitty, we were only looking for a cheap thrill ourselves.

Your landscapers asked to be remembered.

Affectionately,

Deval

For The Commonwealth of Massachusetts
(signed by)
Deval Patrick
Governor (in his SECOND TERM)