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How To Train A Rock

The first thing one notices about rocks is they are essentially quiet creatures. Adverse to long discourses or extended bouts of conversation, they nevertheless are quite engaged in life.train rock Constantly pondering the deepest and densest of life’s mysteries, thereby distracted to an apparent state of inertia, they are thought to be dull companions and highly unsuited to racquet sports or most other forms of physical activity.

Here at the Stone International Rock Training Institute we have discovered, and proven, I believe, that rocks are far more capable and sentient than we humans generally believe. In fact, it’s the rocks’ very ability to conceal their considerable capabilities from the general population that underscores the scope of their hidden powers.

So, what to expect when you bring home one of these seemingly inanimate creatures as a pet?

Expect love. Lots of love. Pound for pound, there isn’t a more loving, open-hearted creature than a rock, though they can be fickle at times. Until recently it was thought rocks heated up in the sun because of the sun’s rays. After much research, we now know their rising temperatures are psycho-romantic reactions. Rocks tenderly exhibiting warm feelings for their cousin, the Sun. Similar to the way their temperatures will flare-up when they’re with their masters. Unfortunately, such displays of affection often go unnoticed, leading to a deep-seated fear of rejection and humiliation in most mature rocks.

As unfortunate as that may sound, this fear of rejection will prove an important tool in helping you train a rock of your own. A simple example will prove the point.

Let us pretend we are training a rock to keep us company while watching TV in the evenings. Right off, most of us would make the mistake of placing the rock on a nearby chair or perhaps on the TV itself.

Ask yourself, could you watch TV if you were sitting on top of the TV? Of course you couldn’t. And neither could a rock.

As for the chair, it demoralizes the intimacy-starved rock to be placed so far away from you. It derails the very trust and intimacy you were seeking to instill. Far better to place your rock on a nearby coffee table at the beginning of the training cycle. The idea being, of course, to gradually inch the rock closer to you on successive evenings. By tantalizing the trainee rock with your increasing proximity, you enflame its desire for closeness, and will soon find not only a docile rock sitting on your lap, but a companionable one as well.rock drill

The majority of rocks that visit the Stone International Rock Training Institute come here for our “Good Companions” curriculum, which trains rocks for companionable relationships with all types of masters except toddlers, who need to be first trained not to eat rocks or stick them in their playmates’ eyes. We also offer a curriculum focused on “Security” for rocks being channeled into careers as Watchrocks or, possibly, projectiles.

Training a rock requires, well, rocklike patience. Much like human beings, rocks form impressions and psychological patterns in their early years that help shape their entire lives going forward. These impressionable “teen” rocks should be treated with great care and with great tolerance for their periodic mood swings and narcissistic bingeing. Should you discover you’re in possession of a teen rock rather than a mature one, don’t expect to win its trust anytime soon.

Unfortunately, we won’t have time this week to discuss “strays”, the wild, untamable rocks you find scattered most everywhere. Suffice it to say, many of the wild stories one hears about these highly independent rocks are true. They are unstable creatures to say the least. Unfriendly, sharply cunning and not very trustworthy. I would not want a stray rock living in my home, not even with my children fully grown and out of the house.

More about strays later on. For now, I’ll close this week’s “A Rock’s Throw” by inviting you, as always, to send me your questions about rocks and their proper training. Again, I must sternly request you do NOT send me the rocks themselves. And whoever threw that rock through the Institute’s lab window yesterday, I should warn you your rock has already conveyed your vital information to the police who are now on their way.

I forgot to mention, rocks are notoriously disloyal.

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With the world growing ever more chaotic and worrisome, I felt the need to share a laugh or two. This essay is the first of a trilogy (humorous I hope) from my collection, “How To Train A Rock.” 

Bowling Boys Scored For Insider Trading

Dorchester, MA—Being accused of insider trading apparently doesn’t do much for your bowling game. Just ask Sal Papsi and Lenny Michaels, both amateur bowlers, and both recently charged in the federal indictment now known as Bowling Gate.bowlers

Papsi, who ordinarily scores over 225 a game bowled an average 137 per game in last Sunday’s “Massachusetts Bowl-A-Thon and Hot Dog Dinner,” while his co-conspirator and teammate Lenny Michaels was even further off his game.

“It was all those f#@king reporters with their f#@king flash cameras and f#@king questions,” Michaels angrily explained. “I aint racked up a f#@king score in a f#@king tournament like this since I first f#@king peed on my shoes!”

Fresh off the heels of their widely publicized indictment of a group of amateur golfing buddies for insider trading, Federal Prosecutors predicted Bowling Gate would prove once and for all the U.S. government treats all criminals alike, banker or deadbeat, champagne-drinker or beer-guzzler, privileged class or working stooge. Prosecutors indicated they would next be investigating inner city pick up basketball games and a North End bocce league.

A spokeswoman for the Federal Prosecutor’s office said that six men, all of whom are members of the Holes-In-The-Ball-Gang bowling team, conspired to trade inside information and tips concerning the Brunswick Bowling Company. Investigators quoted a subpoenaed email from Mr. Papsi, reputed bowling team leader, as cryptically advising his friends to hurriedly buy up Brunswick stock when he wrote, “You boys better stock up on big blue if you want to score this weekend, know what I mean, wink, wink!”

Reacting angrily to the charges, Papsi declared, “Holy shitake mushrooms, I was telling the guys to buy some egg-sucking Viagra, for heaven’s sakes! We had a damn-blasted three day weekend coming up and most of those flatliners aint good for waking the dead more than one day out of three, if you know what I mean, Jayzuz H. Crisis!”

Further evidence allegedly has Sal, part-owner of Happy Valley Bowling Lanes, criminally informing his Holes-In-The–Ball-Gang about a recent uptick in business at Happy Valley Lanes due to recent shifts in Brunswick’s marketing strategy. Pressed to answer this charge, Papsi said, “Sure, Brunswick was offering two balls for the price of one; called it their two-in-hand program. Mother Mary, it was a really hot deal, so of course I advised my guys to stock up, long as they didn’t already have the balls.”

Prosecutors said the alleged stock information trading ring was led by Papsi and Michaels who were allegedly paid off by the rest of the gang with rounds of drinks, $2 lottery tickets and satin bowling jackets. Lawyers for Papsi and Michaels would offer no further comment until their clients returned from a beer run.

(Note: this is a re-posting of an earlier blog column that was accidentally erased; sorry for any confusion.P.S.S.)

“We tried to break up, but they wouldn’t accept that it was over.”

Dear Abby:

This is very painful to talk about, but I need some guidance. Last Tuesday a group of fellow Cambridge residents and myself tried to break off our relationship with our Planning Board, but they just wouldn’t listen. All evening we kept telling them they no longer held a place in our hearts, and that we felt betrayed by their falling in love with the developers they were supposed to protect us damaged heartfrom. But, alas, nothing we said seemed to penetrate the unfathomable depths of their minds. Our words were like cannonballs that turned into feathers on impact.

We told them we were sorry we had to break up; that we had loved them once and they had done a great job helping us recover from hard times. But hard times were over, speaker after speaker told them bluntly, and now we needed guard dogs to protect us from developers rather than lap dogs to lick their fingers.

Abby, we did our best to be sensitive to their feelings. We told them we still liked them and, rather than take away all their power to cram ugly, dense buildings into our neighborhoods, we were only going to take away projects 50,000 square feet or larger, which would then be subject to City Council approval. It was like saying we would still go out on dates with them, but they could no longer assume they’d be staying the night when the evening was done.

But apparently we were speaking to people who couldn’t understand our language. We would say, “You’ve done everything but roll over and play dead for developers, approving 49 out of 49 projects and never rejecting a single one.” To which they’d reply, “But nobody on the city council is qualified to make these decisions. We have a combined total of over 75 years Planning Board experience.” To which we would answer, “Yes, but you’re using that experience to undermine our quality of life, jam up our roads, and totally change the character and makeup of Cambridge’s uniquely diversified population.” To which they responded, “Yes, and the city council is just not qualified to take on those responsibilities.”

Abby, I wish I could have taken their little heads in my hands and shouted “Listen, folks, it’s over! We don’t love you anymore. We don’t even like you. It’s time we went our separate ways. And, please, take the Community Development Department, the Traffic Department and the City Solicitor with you!”

But it was all to naught, Abby. Not surprisingly they acted as though they would never let us go, voting against the Carlone petition and ignoring our pleas to be freed from this excruciatingly painful relationship.

Please, Abby, tell us what we can do to rescue ourselves and Cambridge from the grip of an overly possessive Planning Board while there’s still a Cambridge worth rescuing?

(signed)

Growing More Desperate Daily

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In case it’s not obvious from the essay, Cambridge is going through a period of runaway development aided and abetted (some of us believe) by a Planning Board seemingly dedicated to protecting the rights of developers, often against the wishes, rights and best interests of Cambridge’s current property owners. The Carlone Petition, initiated by City Councilor Dennis Carlone, seeks to strengthen the city’s vigilance against the approval of egregious large projects at a time when the city is undergoing a process to develop a Master Plan.

Ironically, this was the first petition in recent history the Planning Board firmly rejected. The score is now 49 to 1 and, in case you haven’t noticed, Cambridge is losing.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A ROGUES GALLERY OF SPEAKERS

So here’s the question: does the position of Speaker of the Massachusetts House invite corruption or does it merely attract corrupt politicians?

SPEAKERSOr put another way: would former Speakers and convicted felons Charles Flaherty, Thomas Finneran and Salvatore DiMasi have put their careers and reputations on the line, risking prison and disbarment, had they not been inebriated on the hubris of Absolute Power that comes with the Speaker’s job?

As the saying goes: Power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely!

And now, over the last few weeks, we have witnessed our current House Speaker, Robert DeLeo, appearing as a shadow figure, or unindicted co-conspirator, in the corruption trial of the cabal DeLeoformerly in charge of that criminal enterprise known as the Massachusetts Probation Department.

In addition to helping his godson become the youngest Acting Chief Probation Officer in the Commonwealth’s history, Speaker DeLeo was cited by prosecutors for allegedly using the promise of lucrative patronage jobs to help win the Speakership in a tight race with Norwood Rep. John Rogers. Not surprisingly, many of DeLeo’s colleagues and leadership team immediately stepped up to defend the Speaker and denounce federal prosecutors. Also no surprise, not a single legislator who voted for DeLeo as Speaker after receiving access to Probation Department jobs, saw those jobs as a quid pro quo for their vote. Without any question, they would have voted for DeLeo as Speaker in any case. The fact they’d been given Probation jobs for their friends, relatives and supporters played no role whatsoever.

I believe them. But then again I also believe in Santa Claus and an unbiased Supreme Court.

Of course, if there’s a legislator dumb enough to admit he or she sold his vote, according to Massachusetts custom they’d be impeached on the grounds of criminal stupidity rather than for any ethical lapse.

The fact that legislators are so quick and vocal in defending DeLeo merely provides further evidence of the power and privilege accrued to the House Speaker. Whether you have legislative goals or a leadership position (and salary) to protect, none of that will be possible without the blessing, support, or good opinion, of the Speaker. Those shouting loudest in DeLeo’s support can expect to receive their just rewards in the old familiar ways of Massachusetts politics. Perhaps no longer with jobs for unemployed relatives, but you can bet there’ll be something under the House Xmas tree with their name on the box.

Of course, those defending DeLeo the loudest are probably the same legislators who stood up in 2011 to give a rousing round of applause to visiting former Speakers, Flaherty, Finneran and DiMasi.

Apparently, in Massachusetts politics, nothing deserves a standing ovation like heaping shame upon your office.

 

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To read more about former House Speaker Thomas Finneran’s role in the Probation Department scandal, go to “Can We Just Send Finneran The Bill? Please!”

 

To read satirical takes on the ‘Massachusetts Department of Patronage,’ see ‘Dear Whitey’ and ‘Mixing Jobs and Drinks at Joe’s Bar’

 

 

 

 

From The Secret Files of the Massachusetts Patronage Department (Formerly Known as the Mass Probation Dept.), Part 2.

April 27, 2007

To: John J. O’Brien, Commissioner

From: William H. Burke III, Deputy Commissioner

Re: Scouting “Talent” at Joe’s Bar

Dear JJ:

I’m writing this, admittedly in high spirits, after meeting at Joe’s Bar with two great prospects for Chief Probation Officer: Christopher Hoffman and Frank M. Glenowicz, both highly trained mixology Joe's Pizzaspecialists as well as all-around good guys.

I’ve known Frank and Chris for many years, both congenial bartenders and trusted employees at Joe’s Pizza in Northampton, where I more than occasionally drop in to conduct Patronage Department business with politically-connected types from the Central and Western regions of the Commonwealth.

You might ask why we would willingly give up two juicy plum positions that might be reserved for a state senator or a judge, and I would answer that these guys are absolutely fabulous at listening to hard luck stories and offering sage advice. They’ve been doing it for years across the dark oak of Joe’s bar, and I would expect them to easily translate their bartender’s insights and home-grown wisdom into valuable tools for a Chief Probation Officer. Haven’t we often wished that our CPO’s could listen to thugs, felons and thieves like a bartender without judging like a priest? Well, Frank and Chris are just the guys to take in the darkest of our clients’ stories without once copping an attitude.

I assure you these men will bring honor and tireless energy to our department, and credit to both of us at Patronage Department parties where they’ll be happy to mix up any drink you can find in the Bartender’s Bible.

Also, in keeping with Patronage Department policy, both men have serious political connections.

Sincerely,

Bill

William H. Burke III

Deputy Commissioner and ACDJ (Assistant Chief Dispenser of Jobs)

Massachusetts Patronage Department

Update:

Christopher Hoffman, former Acting Chief Probation Officer, Hampshire Superior Court (salary $58,041) was the first conviction in the federal corruption probe of the Mass Probation Department, receiving a sentence of 2 years probation for intimidating a witness. When last heard from, he was working as a manager on a potato farm.

Frank M. Glenowicz, Acting Chief Probation Officer, Franklin Superior Court (salary $92,038) testified under a grant of immunity that his father grew up in the same town as Burke and worked on a farm with Burke’s brother. He was handed his probation officer’s badge by Burke one evening in Joe’s Bar.

 Author’s quote: You can’t make this stuff up! 

To see “Dear Whitey,” FromThe Secret Files Of the Mass Patronage Department, Part 1, click here.