(NEW AND IMPROVED! Being a never-delivered Donald Trump commencement speech at Trump University with a newly added Rule For Success)

Dear Graduates of Trump University:

Today is a proud day for all of you. I offer my congratulations and best wishes, along with a treasure trove of advice that should put you one step ahead of the competition—and the law—as you pursue your journey towards untold wealth and public admiration.

Most of what I am about to say was taught to me by my mentor, Roy Cohn, a man of prodigious talent and wisdom who was almost single-handedly responsible for America’s internecine chaos under McCarthyism. 

Roy always told me there were six essential rules to success, no matter what endeavor you take on. As the cherry on your cupcake here at Trump University, I am about to reveal Roy’s six essential rules for success.

Rule Number 1 has three parts: Cheat, Cheat and Cheat Yet Again. Not just cheating your adversaries, Roy advised me, but friends, family, employees, vendors and virtually anyone dumb enough to trust you or take what you say on faith.

If you are pursuing a billionaire’s career in real estate, like we train you for at Trump University, always cheat on the square footage you are selling or buying. If selling, add a 10% increase to the square footage. If buying, protest that you’re being cheated by a 10% overcharge on the footage. Either way no one will usually bother to check. 

Rule number 1 applies in any field you can think of. In politics, for example, if you’re running for office, steal ballots, falsify results, and blame your opponent for every crime you can think of. When you’re desperate, claim he’s a pedophile, then doctor photographs so he’s shown hanging around schoolyards with his hands in his pockets. 

Basically you have to use your imagination. One of my favorite cheats was to build my Trump towers two stories higher than the building permits would allow. Most times nobody checks on that sort of thing, but when they did I pleaded ignorance and threatened to sue them if they bothered me any further. If they still persisted, I would grudgingly agree, express my regrets, then reduce the building by a single story.

It’s worth noting that nothing works better or more efficiently than the threat of a lawsuit, especially from someone with enough wealth to drain an adversary’s savings in lawyers’ fees.

In order to deal with the aftermath of Rule Number 1, you must then employ Rule Number 2, which is simply Lie, Lie, And Lie Again. 

As you can easily see, Rule Number 2 works hand in glove with Rule Number 1. When anyone accuses you of cheating, immediately accuse them of slander. And even if they have proof of your cheating, double down on your denials and once again threaten to sue.

Next is a ruIe I rarely share in public. Roy Cohn called it his “Ace In The Hole” rule. I prefer to call it my “Finger In Your Eye” Rule. Quite simply, when anyone seems to get the best of you in a deal, negotiation, contest, card game or even a sexual assault accusation, go to Rule Number 3— When In Doubt, Sow Confusion. If it’s a card game, overturn the table and accuse your adversaries of cheating. If it’s a negotiation, start shouting, pounding the table and making crazy accusations. In one such round of difficult deal-making, I sued my counterpart for falling behind in his monthly rent. Didn’t matter that he wasn’t a renter in any of my buildings, I sued him anyway. Just remember “When you don’t know what to do, sow confusion” and you’ll do all right.

Rule Number 4 is a two-parter, as well as an outgrowth of Rules Number One and Two: Never Admit To Your Crime and Never, Never, Never Apologize. If they catch you with your hand in the cookie jar, admit to nothing except perhaps conducting a cookie jar inventory. If you have cookie crumbs around your mouth, insist you are being framed. If they catch you actually chewing cookies, deny it adamantly and try not to spit crumbs into anyone’s face as you do it.

Rule Number 5 only makes sense when you’re in a position of power or higher leverage. Put simply, Rule Number Five requires you to Scare The Living Shit Out Of Your Adversaries. And for this exercise, assume everyone in the world is an adversary. It’s a simple fact that the more successful you become, the more adversaries you will accumulate. Scaring The Living Shit Out Of Your Adversaries requires you to throw tantrums, physically intimidate lowly employees, sue people at the drop of a hat and fire anyone who resists your orders or calls out your bad behavior. And, as a last resort, use force or the threat of force to coerce your adversary so he understands your absolute rights in any situation.

Roy’s last rule is built on the assumption you are ready to employ Rules Number One through Five. Put in its simplest terms, Rule Number 6 insists that you Take Whatever You Want. If you want something bad enough, be it real estate, a romantic partner or a business deal, once you find that it isn’t nailed down, locked up or beyond your grasp, take it, and take it for keeps.

And so you have my—and Roy Cohn’s—Six Rules For Success, more or less. As with most of what you’ve been offered at Trump University there is no charge for the offering, only an enormous service fee to cover my expenses and any class action suits that may arise from your involvement with Trump University.

As my final words, I close with a postscript usually included at the bottom of most of my subpoenas, legal filings, unwarranted invoices and letters to adversaries. Please take it as a sign of my respect and appreciation for all you’ve donated to my family during your attendance at Trump University.

“P.S. I fucked you!”