LITTLE TIN SOLDIER

Steadfast tin soldier

Little tin soldier all in a row,

Locked in a box with nowhere to go.

You have to feel sorry for Mike Pence. Not only for having nothing he could honestly defend last night in confronting the 4-year catastrophe he and his boss have presided over, but for having to do it in front of the only audience he really fears or cares about, the mad, mad steroid muncher in the Oval Office. 

Little tin soldier all in a row,

Locked in a box with nowhere to go.

Loyal to a tin autocrat everyone knows

Is cruel, unforgiving and a liar who sows

Chaos and confusion, Covid-19 or no.

But, valiant in his own way, Pence defended the administration. An administration unparalleled in history for poor judgment, lack of empathy, and refusal to face reality, all of which has brought our country to the edge of a cliff whose drop would erase the affluence, the world leadership and defense of freedom America has always stood for. 

Two incompetent peas in a corrupt, unfeeling pod.

Poor little tin soldier raising a tin rifle to shoot at birds too big to fall for his flaccid denials of responsibility or culpability. “210,000 deaths,” he was frequently reminded, never dreaming of saying he was sorry or saddened by it, the only reply that would have done him any credit as an honest or compassionate human being.

Little tin soldier locked in his box,

While back home his boss tweets off his socks.

One lie after another he sends through the air

Spewing grievances, conspiracies and hate everywhere.

Little tin soldier locked in a box with nowhere to go.

“The flies have it!” I grinned and wanted to cheer

As one musca domestica* landed on Pence’s hair.

How surely discerning the fly must have been

To spot bullshit so quickly and then to dig in.

Poor little tin soldier. Poor defender of defenseless behavior, poor bobbing head sitting in the back of Trump’s limo, his head bouncing up and down as his boss rides in circles around Walter Reed Hospital. Poor little Mike Pence whose pact with the devil is about to come due. He didn’t choose to jump off the cliff, but his nose was too deeply stuck up Trump’s rear end to pull out in time.

Little tin soldier all in a row

Locked in a box with miles to go.

Locked with Trump’s lies and headed for a fall

No wings, no parachute to protect him at all.

Poor Little Tin Soldier!

So sad to see you crawl.

*American housefly

THE PRINCE OF IRONY

You’re in deep shit when you elect a president who would be King.

Was there ever another president, or national ruler, whose every action, decision or statement would effortlessly cascade across his country in a torrent of irony?

Starting with the obvious, this Coronavirus from which we all seek protection or recovery, was detected and reported to President Trump sometime in late January. That he fully understood the danger it posed for the country and its citizens is made clear in the tapes Bob Woodward released with his latest book, “Rage.”

“You just breathe the air and that’s how it’s passed,” Trump confides to Woodward on February 7th of this year. “And so that’s a very tricky one,” he continued. “That’s a very delicate one. It’s also more deadly than even your strenuous flu…This is deadly stuff.” 

Compare those words from a fully informed president with the actions, or lack of action, Trump subsequently undertook, and you’re left standing on a quickly melting iceberg in a sea of irony. 

Faced with the greatest threat of his presidency, Trump always managed to find a golf course to relieve the pressure.

Rather than marshal the forces of the US government to withstand this looming invasive threat, rather than invoke the power of the Defense Production Act to offset predictable shortages of medical equipment the country would need, Trump imposed a partial ban of travel from China and went about his business as usual. Choosing to view the ensuing death and calamity as a problem best left to the states to manage.

Not only did President Trump fail to take ample measures to protect the country, his words and actions up until this past weekend were all designed to give the public a false sense of security. 

Trump often projects his behavior onto others

Knowing full well that the virus was passed in the air, he nevertheless chose to model irresponsible behavior by not wearing a mask and making those who sensibly chose to wear masks subject to derision and ridicule, setting one group of Americans against another. So, yes, the irony of turning a life-saving measure like mask-wearing into a political schism, amongst other actions to obscure the truth of the virus from Americans, will haunt Trump’s presidential legacy down through history.

Two Russian Bears in full gallop

The ironies of this Prince of Irony are countless, though the motivations behind them still remain obscure. Many of Trump’s questionable decisions about American foreign relations defy comprehension. Most of them can only be answered by leaps of logic that border on treason and traitorous behavior. The abandonment of our Kurd allies in Syria, the crumbling of relations with age-old NATO allies, the withholding of critical military supplies from Ukraine, all redound to the interest of Russia instead of America.

And now, we are left to face the biggest irony of all. The man who famously denied the virus has been struck down by it. The billionaire who paid either nothing or $750 a year in taxes during the last 15 years, is now enjoying taxpayer-funded medical care only a monarch could normally afford.

But that’s not the biggest irony we now face. Those of us who dislike, distrust and resent Trump’s boorish and irresponsible  behavior in office are left to face our own intractable irony. 

As compassionate human beings we cannot help but wish a safe—but maybe not so speedy—recovery to this man we fear will complete the destruction of American democracy if he’s left to pursue another four years as President of the United States.

If that’s not irony, what is?

I CAN BREATHE FREELY NOW

I can breathe freely now that Trump is ill
I can see all outrages fall away  
Gone are the daily crises that blew my mind
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Tested positively day
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Tested positively day!

Oh, yes I can say it now that Trump is ill
Most of the bad feelings have disappeared
Here is that respite I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Tested positively day!

Look all around, there’s nothing but Mike Pensive
Look straight ahead, nothing seems truly offensive

I can breathe freely now the lies are gone
I can see all corruption falling away
Here is that rainbow I’ve been praying for
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Tested positively day
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
Tested positively day!


It’s going to be a bright (bright)
“Karma’s gonna get you” day!
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
“Karma’s gonna get you” day!
It’s gonna be a bright (bright)
“Karma’s gonna get you” day

THE UNITED HATES OF AMERICA

Gotta be quick. Things are happening fast.

Saw my President on TV last night and he sent me the signal, “Stand back. Stand by!”

To most of you, it was just another “Fucked up thing,” your crazy president said, but to me, it was as close to the national anthem as one can get without raising a flag.

“Stand back. Stand by!” Just another way of saying “Lock and load!” except only those of us who know the code, know what it means.

“Stand back. Stand by!” Take the safety off your trigger and be prepared to follow our boy Kyle Rittenhouse into deadly battle. Kyle only killed two-and-a-half black-loving, free-lovin’ Democratic hippy protesters (the ‘half’ is ’cause he only shot off one guy’s trigger arm) but then Kyle was a trailblazer and only needed to show us the way.

“Stand back. Stand by!” Stand by the door boys. We’re the only thing standing between our president and the sickos, psychos, socialists and pinkos out to get him and tear down our once proud American traditions. Traditions like keeping blacks in their place and keeping whites in charge, saluting the Confederate flag and defending our right to buy semi-automatic rifles and pistols.

“Stand back. Stand by!” Keep your shooting eye poised on those blue-bellied fuckin’ Democrats; before we’re done we might have to shoot them all. We’ll see what our leader says.

“Stand back. Stand by!” You gotta hand it to my President. What a great fuckin’ debate!

THE GREAT AMERICAN CLEARANCE SALE

Come one, come all to Donald Trump’s Great American Clearance Sale! This is a once-in-a-lifetime clearance sale of items deemed excess or obsolete by President Trump and his League of Extraordinary Co-conspirators. 

Imagine your company’s logo on the sign above.
There’s even a place for your mailbox.

As a further inducement, each bill of sale will be signed and authenticated by William Barr, Mike Pompeo, Roger Stone or Paul Manaford (if his pardon arrives in time).

All items must go. Bring cash, walk away with your favorite American icons! No reasonable offer refused. Items on sale include:

Long a favorite American escape, Yosemite is perfect for outlandish desecration and monetization.

421 National Parks, including guest lodges, administrative offices and all in-park wildlife. Perfect for hunters, logging companies, mining interests and, of course, nature lovers.

The Island of Puerto Rico: long a vacation paradise, as well as an under-represented, impoverished American territory, Puerto Rico is the perfect home-away-from-home for an American billionaire or Russian oligarch. Ideal opportunity for a foreign despot to gain a foothold in American airspace. Bring plenty of paper towels, if you plan to allow the natives to stay on the island. Reports of devastating hurricane damage and non-existent electrical service are all fake news. Puerto Rico hasn’t been hit by a hurricane in recent memory.

Imagine your corporate logo flying
from the rotunda!

The Capitol Building, Washington, D.C.: Actually, at present, only the House of Representatives is available, but the Senate could also be in the catalog by early November. Ideal for anyone looking for a large storage area in Central D.C., though in fair disclosure we must warn there have been outbreaks of conscience, honor and integrity in both buildings, but nothing that won’t disappear under strict Republican management.

And the cherry on the Clearance Sale cupcake…

Choose a new corporate logo, with exclusive usage rights,
from all American military badges and emblems.

The Grand Canyon: This item will not last! We already have offers from the Consolidated Tire Storage Industry, as well as strip mining interests, a North Korean weapons manufacturer and the Disney Corporation. Combine this purchase with the federally controlled Colorado River, which runs the length of the canyon, and you could be looking at one of the world’s largest amusement park sites with its own transportation system.

NAVY SEAL OPS EQUIPMENT.
From our military equipment menu in the Phase Two catalog.

This is merely Phase One of The Great American Clearance Sale. Phase Two will begin once we determine how much of the President’s $421 million debt will be covered by Phase One sales proceeds. Phase two items on sale will include the pride of America’s military aircraft, air carriers and assorted weaponry. All sales are final.

Purchasers are responsible for evicting American occupants found on purchased properties. For a small fee, purchasers can hire American military units to carry out the evictions.