Salt Lake City, UT—Mitt Romney today made the boldest moves yet of his political life, changing both his religion and blood-type after a dismal showing in recent Republican primary contests. You’ll recall, as reported earlier on these pages, that Mr. Romney had switched his party allegiance from Republican to Democrat after a similarly dismal showing in the South Carolina primary.

When asked if this wasn’t more proof of his pandering to the opinions and prejudices of an extreme, narrow-minded electorate, Romney said, “Heck, Anne and I have been thinking of becoming Seventh Day Adventists for years, so our conversion had nothing to do with unfavorable poll numbers for the Mormon religion. And the plain honest truth about this business of changing blood types is that I’m fed up with people telling me how cold-blooded and distant they think I am. Researchers on my personal medical team have advised that I can heat things up with a different blood type, something you might find more prevalent amongst hispanic populations.

“Is it expensive to change blood types?” Romney rhetorically asked. “You bet it is! But, gosh darn, it’s so critically important that we defeat Obama, I would make any sacrifice.

When asked if we could anticipate any future changes, Romney smiled and replied, “Hey guys, what you see today isn’t always what you’ll get tomorrow. I’m a servant of the people and I have to follow their lead wherever it may bring me. I’ll take no change options off the table. Except of course for my name. I’m not changing from Romney, no matter what anyone says.

“Besides, it’s far too difficult changing names on a Swiss bank account!”