WASHINGTON, D.C. Just when you thought Republican politics could get no wackier, along comes Lindsey Graham, Senior Clown of the Republican Senate caucus and Supremo Ass-Kisser to Donald Trump’s nether regions. 

Senator Graham first offered a bill yesterday proposing a nationwide abortion ban that stunned political pundits in its gross insensitivity to the political winds currently sweeping across the nation. Senator Graham refused to blink at the uproar his proposed bill inspired, doubling-down instead with a follow-up bill calling for fetuses not only to be considered human beings at the moment of conception, but to be granted all rights of citizenship, including the right to vote, marry and pay taxes. 

“I know there are certain difficult issues my bill raises,” Senator Graham admitted, “like the age most states require for anyone to vote or get a marriage license. But I’m confident that reasonable politicians working hand in glove with ex-President Trump and the Supreme Court, can find solutions to even the most difficult and illogical problems.”

When asked what he would do if his new bills failed to gain enough support to be presented before Congress, Senator Graham indicated he had one more arrow in his anti-abortion quiver.

“It’s a bill to declare that Life begins at the first moment of desire, or sexual stimulation, on the part of any potential parent.” 

Graham went on to explain, “It means essentially that life begins with the first tingle.”