“Hello, Xi Jinping’s Chinese Garden. Order for pick up or delivery, please?”
“Delivery.”
“And what is name?”
“Donald The President.”
“Donald The President? President of what?”
“Of the United States, you moron! What are you, a Fake News reporter? I’ll tell you when to ask questions. And when you have a question, I want you to raise your hand.”
“Raise hand? On phone? Why?”
“Again with the questions! Why does everyone want to question me? I guess there’s nobody else worth questioning. That’s because I give great answers. Best answers anywhere. Everyone says so.”
“Are you ready to order, Mr. President?”
“Yes, I’m ordering from your take out menu. (calling to someone in the room) Rudy, Mike, Billy…what do you guys want? (murmurs rise in the distance) Really? (into the phone) Are you ready?”
“Fire away!”
“Just remember, if you take notes of this call, you have to burn them when we’re through.”
“Sure, always burn notes. Only way Chinese Communist restaurant stay in business. What is order, please?”
“First, we want three orders of Shit-on-Biden, extra spicy.”
“Large size or small?”
“Super-size! Can I get those with photos?”
“Three order, Shit-on-Biden with photos! You want photos showing Biden fooling around with Chinese women, maybe, or mongrel dogs? Perfect for casual slander or dedicated destruction of reputation. Today’s special: fake photos of Joe Biden naked or in underwear?”
“What kind of underwear?”
“Tighty-whitey.”
“We’ll take a dozen of both. Can I get poster sized blow-ups?”
“Of course. Is very popular item on menu.”
“You know, I just realized something, Xi. This a beautiful phone call. Don’t you think? Simply beautiful. If Lindsey Graham were here kissing my derriere, he’d damn well agree.”
(silence)
“Next I’d like three orders of Sweet-and-Sour-Bullshit; the kind despots order when they’re winning a trade war.”
“Three order Sweet-and-Sour-Bullshit. With or without beansprouts?”
“Beansprouts? I don’t give a shit about beansprouts. Are you making a joke?”
“No, no. Sorry, no joke. Also, no beansprouts.”
“Okay, now this is important, I want you to send the bill for our order to the Department of the Treasury, attention Stevie M.”
“Department of Treasury?”
“Did you just ask another question?”
“Sorry, you not see, I first raise hand.”
“You sure you’re not working with Crooked Hillary or her skirt-chasing husband? Or perhaps Adam Schiff is wire-tapping this phone call…?”
“Xi Jinping have one more question, Mr. President.”
“I can tell your hand is raised, so ask away.”
“What happen if Treasury Department refuse pay bill?”
Then send it to Present Zelensky in Kiev. I believe that’s located in Ukraine. If it hasn’t already been moved to Russia.”
“Zelensky is also President?”
“Yeah, but of a shithole country.”
But what if Zelensky tell me ‘no,’ just like Treasury Department?”
“If Zelensky says no, tell him I’ll be sending him those Javelin missiles he asked for. And very soon!
“Oh, and don’t forget the fortune cookies.”
