Hello folks, come on in. And welcome to the Republican States of America (RSA). I’ve been authorized by Karl Rove and the Koch Brothers and billionaires everywhere to invite you in for a visit. But not to stay.

You can only stay here in the RSA if you are a declared heterosexual, American-born—possessing two birth certificates if you’re black and running for the presidency—fully observant of the moral dictates of women-subjugating religions or right-minded politicians, and committed to enshrining selfishness into the Constitution.

While you are visiting with us in the RSA feel free to wear your gun to the movies, abuse your undocumented Latino servants and drop off your grandparents at the local emergency room, should they have health problems. In the RSA anyone struggling to earn a living wage is responsible for his or her own difficulties and is requested never to ask for assistance, especially if they’re poor, elderly, recently out of work, living in a single parent household, or in ill health. Take note that women in the RSA are not allowed to be raped or have abortions in cases of rape.

Also be aware that your unborn children are of greater importance to us than those noisy, filthy and irritating children poor people seem to breed as if they were sex-starved rabbits.

Please take note that as of January 2013, membership in a public or private employees union will be considered contrary to the public welfare, punishable by extended stays in Arizona or Wisconsin. In the interest of fairness, every citizen will pay the same percentage of his or her income in taxes, regardless of how rich or poor they may be, except in cases where a minimum level of assets qualifies you for the Oil, Gas and Millionaires tax loopholes.

In the Republican States of America it is understood we may declare preemptive war against a weak third-world nation anytime we deem it necessary to use up, and thus upgrade and re-manufacture at great cost, our store of aging armaments. If we de-stabilize a region, we take no responsibility and will blame it on the mainstream media.

In the Republican States of America it is perfectly acceptable to declare war on another country in the interests of spreading democracy, even while here at home we combat voter fraud by denying voting rights to minorities, students and other left-leaning elements of the population. To that regard, it is also permissible to steal elections in swing states.

Welcome to the Republican States of America. Please remember, we don’t do torture, and we’ll waterboard anyone who says different.