“Good morning, folks. Or should I say “Buenas Dias, amigos!” And welcome to Republican Airlines, Where WE Always Decide Your Final Destination.

“This is Governor Ron DeSantis, your captain, and this is flight # 0106, a one-way flight with stops in San Antonio, Chicago, New York City, Washington, D.C. and one unknown airport to be named at a later date. 

Good news, pasajeros, we expect smooth flying weather today, with perhaps a little bumpiness around our nation’s capitol. Twice in recent weeks, Washington has scrambled F-16’s in a spendthrift waste of taxpayer’s money on the slim chance that this Republican Airlines jet were part of—now get this!—an insurrection! As if the Republican tourists who toured the capitol on January 6th were anything but an unruly crowd of tourists and sightseers.

“Before we take off, Republican Airlines regulations require me to ask if any of our customers are gay or transexual, even if you no longer identify as such, and to politely ask you to get the f@ck off my plane. I am authorized to offer a guaranteed high-paying job and luxury residence in their new sanctuary city, to anyone reporting any gays or transexuals who refuse to leave and still remain in their seats.

“Estimated time to disembarkation at Chicago’s O’Hare airport is somewhere between two to three, three-and-a-half hours. The exact time depends on whether O’Hare officials force us to wait for an open terminal dock or allow us to dump departing passengers on the tarmac. Also—if I’m honest—it depends on whether we’re allowed to unload passengers without fully stopping. 

“So sit back and enjoy your flight. Please clear the aisle so Flight Steward and Texas Governor Greg Abbott can wheel himself down to pass out sour grapes and water bottles. I’m proud to say our water is bottled exclusively for Republican Airlines in Jackson, Mississippi.

In addition to sour grapes,  Governor Abbott will be handing out coloring maps of the United States of America, the greatest country on earth. These maps are our gift to you. Use them to find your way around your new sanctuary city. Each home state is clearly marked, though cities, regrettably, are not. If you ask him politely, Governor Abbott also has a limited number of crayon stubs for those whose ninos have learned to color.

We thank you for flying Republican Airlines, Where There Is Always A Reason For Treason, Always An Excuse To Do The Wrong Thing!