RADIO ANNOUNCER: Today’s special offer is something you don’t need, and would never want in your house around the children. It’s DONALD TRUMP, Republican candidate for President of the United States. DONALD TRUMP, insurrectionist, liar, misogynist, rapist, business cheat—and, yes, the twice-impeached, four-time criminal indictee himself…DONALD TRUMP. the man who turned “Grab ‘em by the pussy” into his life’s mission. The man whose silk ties were made in China, but whose heart belongs to Vladdy. Now, today, for the price of a single vote, we’ll send you a president who promises to lock up all his political enemies, and to replace the entire federal work force with lackeys, stooges, and sycophants. Even if you hated his steaks, his vodka, his bible, or even his golden tennis shoes—yes, even if you raided your kid’s college fund to sign up for Trump University—we guarantee your complete satisfaction with  (PAUSE) The Second Coming of Donald Trump! An action figure today, a global nightmare tomorrow.

Offer not available wherever sanity or common sense prevails.