REPUBLICAN SENATOR PROMOTES VOTING RIGHTS FOR FETUSES

WASHINGTON, DC. Sen. Lindsey O. Graham (R-S.C.) explains his bill to extend voting rights to fetuses.

WASHINGTON, D.C. Just when you thought Republican politics could get no wackier, along comes Lindsey Graham, Senior Clown of the Republican Senate caucus and Supremo Ass-Kisser to Donald Trump’s nether regions. 

Senator Graham first offered a bill yesterday proposing a nationwide abortion ban that stunned political pundits in its gross insensitivity to the political winds currently sweeping across the nation. Senator Graham refused to blink at the uproar his proposed bill inspired, doubling-down instead with a follow-up bill calling for fetuses not only to be considered human beings at the moment of conception, but to be granted all rights of citizenship, including the right to vote, marry and pay taxes. 

“I know there are certain difficult issues my bill raises,” Senator Graham admitted, “like the age most states require for anyone to vote or get a marriage license. But I’m confident that reasonable politicians working hand in glove with ex-President Trump and the Supreme Court, can find solutions to even the most difficult and illogical problems.”

When asked what he would do if his new bills failed to gain enough support to be presented before Congress, Senator Graham indicated he had one more arrow in his anti-abortion quiver.

“It’s a bill to declare that Life begins at the first moment of desire, or sexual stimulation, on the part of any potential parent.” 

Graham went on to explain, “It means essentially that life begins with the first tingle.”

IN SEARCH OF TREASURE ISLAND

(Please note: this essay was written at a time when ‘man’ and ‘mankind’ were still being used to encompass both genders.)

There’s a ship I’ll never sail

Bound for an island I’ll never find.

       There’s a ship I’ll never sail. I saw it long ago. Or dreamed that I did. She runs free under a wind that blows warm and gentle and always steady. There are no lines to hold this ship to land. And no port lays claim to any of the men who climb her rigging in search of new horizons.

       There’s a ship I’ll never sail. Where men are men, and dreams are only an island away.

There’s a ship I’ll never sail

Bound for an island I’ll never find.

On board is the child I never was

And the man I never became.

       There’s a child I never was. I knew him long ago. Or dreamed that I did. He never slowed down to doubt himself or worry about the future. He lived for the moment, and for laughter and friendship. And always dreamed of sailing off one day in search of pirates and buried treasure.

       He grew into the man I never became. And sailed off one day in search of his dreams. Never learning, as I did, that Time is a pirate who buries dreams as if they were treasure.

There’s a ship I’ll never sail

Bound for an island I’ll never find.

On board is the child I never was

And the man I never became.

Their eyes are fixed on a horizon

That never draws closer.

And just beyond lies an island,

Which like the book I’ll never write

Reveals the love I’ll never know.

       There’s a book I’ll never write. I saw it long ago. Or dreamed that I did. It explains everything: all the suffering, the longing, the hopes that echo in the darkness under the stars. In this book, no man lies to another, no person cheats on the love he owes, or tries to take more than his share. And on the last page, etched in gold, is a map that reveals the location of the island, and the treasure it contains.

       There’s a book I’ll never write. I saw it long ago. In a pilot’s cabin. On a ship running free.

       On a ship I’ll never sail.

AMERICA’S TREASON TWINS

America’s Treason Twins: (Above: John Brown, below: Donald J. Trump)

HE WAS CHARGED WITH TREASON.

HE WAS CHARGED WITH MURDER.

HIS FOLLOWERS ATTACKED A U.S. GOVERNMENT FACILITY.

HE WAS CHARGED WITH LEADING AN INSURRECTION.

HE WAS FOUND GUILTY.

33 DAYS LATER, HE WAS HANGED.

JOHN BROWN did not conspire to overthrow the government of the United States; DONALD J. TRUMP’s multi-pronged conspiracy attempted to overturn the results of a free and fair election, and thus overthrow America’s duly elected government.

JOHN BROWN did not launch baseless attacks against election results in a single state; DONALD J. TRUMP’s false electors scheme attempted to nullify fairly recorded and certified votes in seven states.

JOHN BROWN’s rebellion was launched to free slaves and end slavery in the United States. DONALD J. TRUMP’s rebellion was launched to hold onto power and install himself as president for a second term.

JOHN BROWN was found guilty, and hanged for his crimes 33 days after the verdict.

DONALD J. TRUMP has yet to be tried, and is still allowed his freedom from which he continues to spread malicious lies and propaganda, fomenting violence and political malfeasance.

JOHN BROWN’s body (as the poem goes) lies a-mouldering in his grave, no longer a threat to anyone.

DONALD J. TRUMP’s lies are alive and still free to corrupt, corrode and threaten our democracy. 

FROM THE MAR-A-LAGO DAILY MENU

With sincere regrets, owing to supply chain shortages, we can no longer serve the following:

MAMA TRUMP’S NUCLEAR STEW

A longtime favorite of our foreign visitors, Mama Trump’s Nuclear Stew has been permanently placed among the items removed per order of the U.S. Government. Once served with a choice of three spicy varieties: Top Secret, Forbidden Fruits and Insanely Dangerous with Nuts, this favorite dish of Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un, will happily reappear on the Mar-A-Lago menu once the Trump family returns to occupy the White House. 

HUNTER BIDEN BULLSHIT ON TOAST

Imagine our surprise to discover we had run out of the essential ingredients for this Trump family favorite, once the mainstay of our domestic menu. Again, like Mama Trump’s Nuclear Stew, Hunter Biden Bullshit on Toast requires ingredients no longer available once the United States Government interfered with supply line deliveries from Ukraine and China. 

THE RUDY GIULIANI SANDWICH

A delectable menu item once thought to render large rooms of legislators and reporters speechless after even the smallest bite. Made from thick slices of forked tongue covered with melted stinky cheese, and streaked with Rudy’s special Four Seasons Sauce, the Rudy Giuliani is expected to return to our menu whenever Rudy’s prison sentence can be set aside in a future Trump Administration.

Again, we apologize for the removal of these once highly popular and profitable menu items. Their removal is further proof, if you need it, that the FBI is running amok over our freedoms and that Joe Biden is a dribbling old man who craps his pants whenever called upon to act decisively. VOTE REPUBLICAN AND VOTE TWICE. That’s the only way we can MAKE AMERICA CRAZY AGAIN.

QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS IN AN ALTERNATE UNIVERSE

When outrage knows no bounds.

Paul Steven Stone: Minority Leader McCarthy, your outrage over the FBI warrant to search Mar-A-Lago led to threats against Attorney General Garland and the entire Justice Department should your party retake the majority in the House. Is that correct?

MCCARTHY: Yes, so what?

PSS: How would you compare that outrage to the outrage you exhibited when President Trump sent thousands of angry and armed rioters to the Capitol on June 6th, putting your life and the lives of others at risk? Please rate them on a scale of 1-10, ten being the highest state of outrage?

MCCARTHY: The protest at the capitol; I’d rate that a 2 on the outrage scale. But only because the protesters scared the living shit out of my staff. 

PSS: And the FBI serving a warrant to search Mar-A-Lago?

MCCARTHY: That’s a ten all the way. It’s totally unprecedented in the annals of American history.

PSS: But don’t you think the failed attempt to overthrow the duly elected American government—a failed coup if you will—was also unprecedented?

MCCARTHY: Why don’t you ask me about Hillary Clinton or Hunter Biden? You liberals are all the same with your effen questions! Clinton and Biden committed crimes, but nobody raids their homes or sics FBI bullies on them. 

PSS: We’d be happy to talk about Hillary Clinton or Hunter Biden at another time. For now, we’re just interested in why your outrage dropped precipitously once the danger at the capitol passed and you had sufficient time to slow your hammering heart?

MCCARTHY: Doesn’t time often bring wisdom?

PSS: Or political recalculation… But let’s move on.… Up till now, the House Select Committee investigating the events of January 6th has conspicuously avoided talking about the 155 members of Congress who voted to reject the electoral votes from different states, thereby impeding the count and giving rioters time to break in and disrupt the proceedings. Wouldn’t you say those 155 individuals—147 Congressmen and eight Senators, to be precise—were aiding and abetting the President’s failed coup? Either willfully or unwittingly? 

MCCARTHY: NO!

PSS: No? Why No?

MCCARTHY: Because I haven’t agreed there ever was a coup in the first place. 

PSS: What would you call it?

MCCARTHY: An Antifa protest that got out of control. Or else a false flag operation by the Democratic Party. I thought I saw Chuck Schumer carrying a Black Lives Matter sign before I hid under my desk. Could have been a lot of things, not just a failed coup. 

PSS: But what if it was a failed coup?

MCCARTHY: You’ll know it’s a failed coup when you see my outrage meter climb all the way to five.