We are in a bathroom in the basement of Mar-A-Lago, world famous residence of Donald J. Trump, former President of the United States of America, bogus billionaire, dishonored real estate mogul, beleaguered defendant in multiple criminal and civil trials, candidate for re-election to the presidency, and CEO of the criminally cited and soon-to-be-defunct Trump Organization. Donald J. Trump sits on the toilet, beige golf slacks in folds around his ankles, staring in shock at the uncluttered bathroom in which he now sits. A bathroom once filled to the height of its crystal chandelier with stacks of banker boxes crammed with mementoes from his presidency, as well as top secret documents revealing military plans and nuclear capabilities of the United States.
Instead of reading classified material as he has been doing until recently, Donald J. Trump holds in his hands the 35-page judgment handed down in a New York State court the previous Tuesday by Judge Arthur Engoran. The judgment, with great malice and prejudice, Trump decides, has found the defendant, Donald J. Trump, 45th President of the United States, guilty of fraud, repeatedly, across decades, in his dealings with banks, insurers and anyone stupid enough to do business with the Trump Organization.
“MY GOD, WILL NO ONE RID ME OF THIS MEDDLESOME JUDGE?” Donald J. Trump demands in the echoing reaches of the box-free basement bathroom.
“OFF WITH HIS HEAD!” he commands, enjoying the air of authority with which he issued the order. But then another angry thought sails through his mind.
“SONS-A-BITCHES!” Donald J. Trump shouts into the quiet of the empty bathroom, cursing the government lackeys who dared remove his reading material from his favorite reading room. It’s no coincidence that Donald J. Trump has been irregular and prone to constipation ever since the boxes were taken out.
“CURSES ON ALL THEIR HEADS!” he proclaims.
“MAY THEIR CHILDREN BE DRAGGED SCREAMING TO THE MEXICAN BORDER AND PLACED IN CAGES.”
“Oh, I like that,” he tells himself, realizing he just broke new ground in the profanities and curses he can use against the BASTARDS and WITCH HUNTERS that yip at his heels almost constantly these days.
“THAT THESE PIGMIES WOULD SIT IN JUDGMENT OF SOMEONE SO FAR ABOVE THEIR STATION AND DARE TO THREATEN MY ASSETS AS WELL AS MY GOOD NAME!
“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS!”
“WHO THE HELL DO THEY THINK THEY ARE?” he asks himself.
“DON’T THEY KNOW WHO I AM?” he pursues.
“I AM THE MOST IMPORTANT MAN IN THE WORLD,” he finally declares with conviction. “Yes, the most powerful ex-president America has ever seen. And, in case those idiots have forgotten, I’M THE MAN WHO ALMOST BROUGHT AMERICA TO ITS KNEES.
“ME, DONALD J. TRUMP! I DID IT! NO ONE ELSE.
“NAME ONE THING THAT THAT HALF-BREED OBAMA, OR INTERN MOLESTER CLINTON, EVER DID THAT EVEN HALFWAY COMPARES?
“GUESS WHICH PRESIDENT HISTORY WILL MOST REMEMBER? AND IT WON’T BE CROOKED JOE BIDEN, THAT’S FOR SURE.
“AND I AM NOT DONE YET, so don’t make the mistake of counting me out. Or foolishly betting on America to survive the rematch.
“IF THEY HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET, WAIT TILL THOSE PIGMIES REALIZE HOW MUCH POWER I STILL HOLD, almost three years after I left the presidency. AN OFFICE I WON REELECTION TO, NO MATTER WHAT THOSE CHEATERS AND TRUMP-HATING VOTE COUNTERS MAY SAY.
“DERANGED JACK SMITH and his gang of CROOKED PROSECUTORS know it’s true. Most American presidents are diminished when they leave the presidency. But me—WHEN I LEFT THE OVAL OFFICE, IT WAS THE PRESIDENCY THAT GOT SMALL, NOT ME. Just ask Kevin McCarthy, that whiney ass-kissing Speaker of the House. Or Lindsey Graham who couldn’t even get himself indicted in Georgia.
“Oh, what the hell, OFF WITH HIS HEAD, TOO!
“Just ask anyone if the Office of the President hasn’t shrunk since DONALD TRUMP LEFT OFFICE? Shrunk in stature, shriveled in reputation and ridiculously ineffective IN DEALING WITH WORLD LEADERS LIKE PUTIN, KIM JONG UN OR XI-JINPING. Do you think those HEAVYWEIGHT BRUISERS WET THEIR PANTS WHEN THEY FACE A SENILE AND DODDERING JOE BIDEN?
“AND NOW SOME TRUMP-HATING, RACIST ATTORNEY GENERAL AND HIPPY, POWER-MAD NEW YORK STATE JUDGE WANT TO DESTROY MY LIFETIME’S WORK. WANT TO RIP ALL MY HOLDINGS FROM MY LOVING EMBRACE AND LEAVE ME DESTITUTE.
“OFF WITH THEIR HEADS! BOTH THEIR HEADS!
“JUST WAIT TILL I WIN REELECTION. I’LL SHOW THEM ALL. I’LL SHOW EVERYONE.
“THERE WILL BE BLOOD.
“TRUMP NEVER FORGETS.
Donald Trump, his bathroom activities finally concluded, begins tearing the 35 pages of court judgment into half-page strips, declaring “I’LL SHOW THOSE BASTARDS WHAT THEY CAN DO WITH THEIR F**KING JUDGMENT!”
At which delicate moment, the shower curtain is drawn to modestly block our view.